I feel homeless

I really feel homeless. I've felt this for a while, like since getting home for break, but suddenly, with the realization of how scared I am to go back to school, it feels so much worse. I hate being home, I don't feel like I belong here, my family annoys me more than usual, and I'm just all around bored. But I'm scared to go back to school. In typical me fashion, I'm more worried about the social stuff than I am the school work (though that'll probably hit me once classes start). I still don't have a group I can regularly rely on, I still don't feel like I belong. I hang out with the theatre department but they're not my friends, they're people I hang out with because we're around each other a lot. I don't belong at home, and I don't belong at school.

Plus I don't know the last time I created art. I try and try but everything comes out as complete crap. I'm losing it. I'm losing everything. It's becoming harder and harder to care about myself.

I don't love school. I don't hate school. I don't love home. I don't hate home.

I'm homeless.

It seemed good at the time

I took over a portion of the study lounge today with my collage materials (yay weird stares.) I was looking at the works of Hope Kroll and loosely basing my work off of hers. I noticed a lot of her work has one central image and then that's expanded upon.

As I was working on it I actually really liked it. It took forever due to cutting things out over and over (you probably can't see it in the picture but there's 3-4 layers depending on where you look). But when I went to take a picture of it for my blog, I suddenly found myself not liking it anymore. So I guess I'm soliciting advice/critique?

And a bit closer up

THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID! THIN? WHO GIVES A FUCK!

I am a GOOD person. I’m not perfect, I may have some gossipy tendancies, I procrastinate like it’s my job, but I’m a GOOD person. I CARE about people. I am always trying to help people, I’m always there for them. And as a result, I’m LIKED. People care about me, respect me, admire me, love me. And all of that is REGARDLESS of my size.

WHO CARES IF I’M THIN? WHAT DOES BEING THIN ACCOMPLISH? It doesn’t make me a better person, that’s for sure. I’m a good person and being thin neither adds nor subtracts from that.

So if I’m not 100% happy with what I see in the mirror, it SHOULDN’T MATTER! I’m still me, I’m still a GOOD, KIND, CARING person. And I’d rather be known for all of that then being known as “the thin girl” or (as I’ve shamefully strived for) “the anorexic looking girl.

"that is why I love you"

I'm sitting in sociology right now trying not to cry. You guys are my desktop background, and now you guys are my facebook default picture because I really fucking miss my family. I knew I'd miss you guys but this is more than I'd ever imagine, and I can't move on. My parents are telling me that they know STAC was amazing for me but it's time to grow, and I know that I grew so much in my time there and that it's time to let myself see what college has to offer, but maybe I'm just in a bad mood right now but all I want is to be with you guys.

In my end of the year blog post, I said my favorite thing about last year was that I know I could go to any of you and you'd be there for me, and I'd be there for all of you. STAC, I need you guys. I don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm trying not to fall apart but it's so hard when I feel like no one in a 10 mile radius actually cares about me. I'm sorry for being so needy, I KNOW i can get out of this. But I really really miss you guys.

I'm stronger than this, I know I am, I'm strong enough to do this on my own. But if anyone out there cares, that would probably help a bit too.

I don't know what I need. I guess part of me needs a swift kick in the ass. I know I need to be more independent, but I'm also so stuck in the past with you guys.

"Too good for the world,

but I hope you will stay.

And I'll be here to see that you don't fade away."

-Beautiful Freak, Eels

STAC, please don't let me fade away.

ps: last friday night the campus improv group performed at the dinner i went to. i actually couldn't sit there, i excused myself to the bathroom because they were AWFUL. I started texting STACies about how bad they were and how much i wished STAC was up there. Everyone around me was laughing and I didn't get it. Maybe I was just being pretentious, but they were really bad!

365 still going!

hey guys!

for those of you who followed my 365, you know that I stopped blogging it, but I kept up with it and it's not all uploaded to a tumblr blog. If you want to follow it, here's the link [:

http://daysinayear.tumblr.com/

Miss you all like crazy, you don't even know.

Hope to see you soon!

The End

I don't know if it's completely hit me. I just watched the montage again and I teared up and now tears keep welling up in my eyes, but I'm just now starting to realize what it really means. Last night was the last time we're all going to be together. It blows me mind, I can't fathom how after spending so much time together I won't see you guys for three periods a day ever again.

When someone is mean to you, you're often told "they're just jealous." I had never believed that until Monday after school, when Juliana and I were walking through the halls in our Pollack clothes, covered in paint. We got so many looks, ranging from confusion, to anger, to disgust (with no attempt to be hidden), to excitement, to jealousy. But the more negative looks we got, the more I laughed. I thought "fuck you, we had fun doing what we love for three periods and you sat in math." How can they not be jealous of us?

There is so much to be jealous of. STAC is not just a class that we attend for a grade. We are there because we want to be there. Luke does not treat us like high school kids, he treats us in a way that prepares us for real life. We get to discuss art and the world and ourselves in a mature way that many others can not. And we get to build amazing relationships we can't find out of STAC.

People ask me who my friends in school are, and I pretty much say STAC (plus Haley and Regina.) This isn't because we're a clique or a cult or we're not allowed to have friends outside of STAC. It's because we really are some of the best people Herricks has to offer. We are the smartest, most creative, most caring.

You guys all mean so much to me. As you all know, this year wasn't easy for me. Like I said in class today, I could not have asked for a more understanding group of people. Thank you for your compassion and caring, and thank you for not treating me any differently when I got back, something that means so much to me. What really makes me love this group is knowing that if I really needed someone, I could go to any one of you, even someone I'm not that close with, and they would be there for me, and knowing I'd do the same for anyone in STAC.

This was my second year in STAC, and I really don't know how I got through the first two years without it. I can't imagine a day where I couldn't remind myself it was only a few more hours until I was removed from idiocy and surrounded by intelligence. This year I was surrounded by more than intelligence when I walked into STAC- I was surrounded by love. You guys see things in me that I don't see in myself. You push me to push myself. You inspire me to be a better person. STAC made my high school experience something more than classes and drama. It made it something that no one outside of STAC will understand, but it created an amazing feeling. This year gave me an amazing feeling I didn't have last year. I don't know how we all got so lucky as to really clique, but we did.

The quote Luke read in class on friday was what finally made me start crying. I'd all but given up on working towards a career in something I want to do (whatever the fuck that may be.) The quote made me think that maybe I am here to create something. I will work towards finding what that is in college, no matter what it takes.

Lastly, I want to thank Luke for all his hard work. I can't put into words all that he has done for me, and for all of us. He pushed us, told us things we didn't want to hear, didn't give up on us, and so much more. Thank you.

I love you all, you beautiful freaks<3

I could have sworn I've written about this before

There are so many moments where I wonder where I came from. Not literally, I know I wasn't adopted. But both my parents work with numbers for a living, and my brother is a stereotypical jock. Thus, none of them are particularly artistic. Last night at dinner I said something about my big project and my brother made a comment like "that's not real work. I have to do bio homework. I could do what you're doing. How about I'll do your 'art' and you do my bio homework." I just rolled my eyes knowing he's annoying. But it really makes me think about where my creativity came from, no one around me is creative.

(on the plus side, I get more variety for my collages; I just got some of Jeffrey's old sports magazines haha.)

2 collages COMPLETELY DONE. Hoping to get another 2 done tonight [: