I posted this on facebook, but I wanted to blog it too

So today I was thinking about the past few years.
Truth be told, 2008 ended pretty badly.
2009 all-around sucked.
And 2010 so far? Not much better.

But it's only JANUARY! There is still so much time for me to turn things around, for the rest of the year and for years to come!

Living vs. Merely Existing

Today I found this article online: http://www.dumblittleman.com/2007/06/39-ways-to-live-and-not-merely-exist.html called "39 Ways to Live, and Not Merely Exist." Before even reading it, my eyes welled up with tears.

For the past few months, maybe even longer- okay almost definitely longer, I've been existing, not living. It sucks. It flat out sucks. These don't have to be the best years of my life, but I want them to be something. I honestly don't remember much of last year because it was just being done on autopilot. I don't want that anymore. And if I can't live right now, I'm going to make sure I live in college. I have to.

On that note, I have something to tell you guys. As some of you may have noticed, I did not return to school after Winter break. While I will be returning eventually, it will not be for a while, most likely another three weeks at least. While I'd prefer to keep my exact whereabouts my business, I will tell you all this; Hopefully, where I am right now will help me learn to live, not just exist.

I plan on telling people outside of STAC that I have Mono, so I'd appreciate no one saying anything to anyone about my temporary leave of absence. I miss you all, and hope to see you soon. Best of luck with STAC live, and feel free to contact me via Facebook, call, text, or AIM if you'd like.

Regards,

Nicole

I've gotten a lot stupider within the past few years of this decade

And I don't mean that in the usual Nicole self-anger way. I mean I've legitimately gotten stupider. Besides the fact that I used to be a straight A student despite my problems, I don't READ anymore. I can't remember the last book I read all the way through. I used to love reading. What the fuck is with me? I'm so mad at myself I'm like seeing red. I need to read. I need a good book to read. I'll probably read Life Without [youknowwhogrrrrrr] soon. Hopefully it's worth it.

And back to what I said about grades...I was home-schooled for about 3 months in 7th grade due to anxiety reasons. I still got great grades. But I don't know if now I'm lazier or I just can't deal with problems as well. Maybe it's that my problems have gotten bigger? I don't even know anymore. Time to get my ass into gear, time to get some good mid-year grades to colleges, time to get into more colleges and not get rejected after being accepted for grades dropping.

O wait, I can't. Fuck.

And let me explain the difference between this and my old self pity bullshit. I'm not self pitying. I don't want anyone else's pity. I'm just SO angry with myself I can barely breathe. I'm just fucking angry.

Peace out cub scouts.