No one's going to read this.

Hello,

I'm about to embark on what I'm pretty sure will be a painful experience with you. In front of me is the journal I kept from the middle of 10th grade until the end of 11th grade, the time when things got really bad for me. I feel the need to read over it, and I feel the need to blog about it.

Ew. I'm disgusted with myself for that. Literally disgusted in both my idiocy and naivety.

Well...that's just lovely. Too bad that was the first of many times I'd write "Nicole is [insert negative adjective here]"

Huh. Pretty sure I did let myself become another medal in the end, if that's who I was thinking about. My bad? Heh, I'm apathetic about that situation apparently. It's tiny in the grand scheme of things.

Wow. I remember trying to start that story. That was fucked up. Really strange and creepy. I'm almost tempted to finish it but take it out of the context of my life. I might just do that.

I'm embarrassed for myself.

Wow I was proud of being that distorted. And yet looking back my actions weren't that bad at all. I don't know how to feel if I wanted so badly to be sick and thought in such a sick way but in reality wasn't sick physically. Actually that was my life all first and second quarter.

Were all of these original lines? Because most of them suck, but one or two are pretty good. I just don't know if I wrote them.

Heh. that's just plain funny.

I might re-work this poem. It's not terrible.

Apparently I've had an obsession with the imagery of circles and rings for a while now.

I need to re-write that one day so I don't forget. But it's so painful to write out. I know I wrote it somewhere, I just don't know where.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH THAT'S THE FUNNIEST DREAM I'VE EVER HAD EVER! Wow that's embarrassing but it made me literally laugh out loud.

I thought that would come true some day, that I would sink to that low.

I don't want to read this. I don't want to read this. Why am I reading this. These nightmares still bother me.

Within two pages I went from cracking up to almost crying. Dreams are weird like that.

This was the week before the hospital. And it still wasn't enough. It will never be enough. Plus if those eyes could see me now, they would gauge themselves.

This was a STAC exercise but I don't have the patience to re-read it.

Wow. Mentally disturbed LOLcats. That's insane.

I had "stop [a basic life function]" on my to-do list. Why can't I just say what the disorder was? Pretty much anyone who reads this already knows.

I'm constrained but a lot of things.

I had physical pain caused by the illness. I recorded such bad things.

There's that circle imagery again.

Well, some things don't change. Some ridiculous things still make me happy.

I don't remember my mom saying that. But I'm not surprised that she did.

"The reasons people hate me are the same reasons other people love me"- Jonny S. I'm glad this ended on a good note.

I'm way too numb for this.