Stream of conciousness

I'm graduating in 26 days. I'm sitting on the couch in my pajamas watching 'Dexter's Laboratory.' I can't wait to be out of this house. Adults can't be trusted. Soon I'll be an adult. I'll be an adult in 4 months. No one can be trusted. The only people I have backing me up currently are my friends, and soon they'll be gone too. And I will be gone. And I don't even trust them. I've lost all support. I've accomplished nothing in my time in STAC. Or in high school for that matter. I need to accomplish something. I need to finish my STAC project. I need to finish my english work so I graduate. I need to get my license so I can be out of this house as much as possible. Summer will be work and friends' house. Or work and then...anywhere but home. Mom just shut off my tv. My parents...I don't even know. I feel alone and abandoned. I want to go to college and prove that I don't need anybody.

I love getting shit done! /other random shit

Yesterday during 4th period my math teacher really pissed me off. So after panicking and calling my therapist, I grabbed some magazines from the STAC room and sat in the art room with Megan. I started hacking away at a picture and tried to re-create it like a puzzle. I got home that night and actually continued the collage. I was really excited about it and I really focused on the ascetic as apposed to the content, while at the same time keeping the content with some sort of of consistency. I finished it last night and I really really like it. I'm so proud of myself for getting it done that I plan on making another collage now. I also got some writing done today during STAC.

^It looks better in real life, this is just a crappy picture

In order to continue this getting-shit-done attitude, I have to make several changes. I need to put myself on a schedule. I need to spend my off periods in the library, not the STAC room (though I will allow myself one free period a day to hang out.) I have to actually do schoolwork. I will get shit done!

Additionally, I often can't understand how I'm related to my family. I complain about them a lot but I do love them, but we're SO different. Religious and political differences aside, I am an artist, something no one else in my family is. I recently read my mom a poem I wrote, and showed that collage to my dad and both of them were like "that's nice...I don't get it." I feel like art isn't something to "get." I'm not asking them to tell me what I felt when making it, I want it to create some feelings within THEM.

Lastly, I'm stuck on something with my big project. I like writing, and in the past my writing has elicited some positive reactions. That being said, I don't know if I'm a good writer/don't think I am (granted I don't think I'm good at much of anything so perhaps my judgement is off?) Thus, I'm scared to work so hard on 12 pieces of writing only to proudly display it and have one of 2 things happen. Either a. people will directly rip it apart to my face, or b. people will say they like it then tear it apart behind my back. I don't know if I can take that. I still want to finish the project though...

Make a fucking decision, Nicole!

Alright, the big project. Some people are doing. Some people are thinking. Some people are just staring at the walls. I can honestly say that I'm in the second category, however, thinking isn't good enough. I kind of lost my passion for my original idea once it kept being morphed. I think the end-ish result of conversation is cool, but it's not for me. So I've decided to return to my original original concept of working on my writing.

Proposed project: Look back at the past year, the past year's journal entries, etc, and write some wort of piece (poem, short story, one act) for each month. Then collage around the poems (Either one one giant sheet of paper, or in a mini-book like form.)

Luke, could you please give me the names of some writers to look into?