Musings (LONG)

Sometimes I feel like my entire life is a punchline for other people. Okay, you're thinking "emo much" but i'm just being honest and don't have anywhere else to vent.

for four years i've been putting myself in USY to please my parents. I tried to be friends with the popular girls to avenge the unpopular little nicole. but they didn't like me. I wouldn't accept it. I kept trying. And they laughed at me both in front and behind my back. It seemed like I was made to be their punching bag. And lately this is bothering me a lot. Mainly it's because the few friends I finally made in USY graduated, but there's something else. It's knowing that at the last day of the last event, everyone will cry, and a part of me will just be happy I no longer need to play this charade.

So here's a piece I wrote on the subject for Ms. Nelson's class last year.

NICOLE’S Voice

A part of me always knew that I wasn’t meant to be friends with the ‘cool girls’. I hadn’t been in their circle during elementary school, hadn’t been in their circle during middle school, and as of this time, I didn’t even have friends in high school. Which was probably why I was determined that in USY, I’d be different. I’d be in the popular clique, I’d be pretty, and I’d meet boys, make friends, and live happily ever after. But those kinds of things never happen in the real world. Just in crappy teen comedies. But with the aforementioned optimism in mind, I went to my first regional USY event, Mid-Winter Kallah. I’m not quite sure what I was expecting, but looking back, I know I was expecting a lot.

This isn’t a story I am proud of. It isn’t one where the main character comes out shining and unscathed. Instead, it is the tale of a girl who realizes that not everyone is nice, including herself.

I found myself forced into a hotel room with Holly, Mickey, and some girl I had never met before named Orly. Holly was very sweet and we quickly became friends, but the more time I spent with her, the more I realized that Holly was ‘unpopular’. She had plenty of friends, but they weren’t the girls I wanted to be friends with. I told myself over and over that I wasn’t being shallow, but that Holly was just far too boy crazy for my taste. Of course that wasn’t the real reason I acted the way I did.

I left the room feeling confident. The simple black dress I was wearing looked good on me. It was something that someone like Shira, one of the popular girls would wear. I expected I would at least have a leg up on the competition. These girls didn’t usually talk to complete strangers, but that was okay because I had Jamie. I’d known Jamie since we were five years old. We’d been good friends for years. The last time I’d seen her before this, the two of us had started crying, realizing that for the first time since kindergarten, we wouldn’t be seeing each other every day in school and camp. So naturally, I assumed she would introduce me to everyone. When I walked into the dining room, I spotted her right away. She was sitting with her friends who I had met at Freshman Bowling Night. There was Zoe, Carolyn, Rachel, and Diane. They had all been nice to me, so I expected things to go well.

“Hey” I said, hugging Jamie tightly. “Can I sit here?”

“Sure” she replied, as expected.

Dinner had just started, and people were filing to the tables. I sat there silently for a few minutes as the rest of them caught up. Within two minutes the table was filled. I noticed Holly across the room with her friends. She waved for me to join them. I ignored her.

I continued to listen to the conversation, an awkward, unnoticed ‘wannabe’, before something caught my attention. Sitting in the middle of the table was a large white bowl filled with what I think was supposed to be chili, but what looked more like human excrements, along with a large wooden serving spoon. I had known that USY food was infamously bad, but this was looked truly heinous. Zoe seemed to have noticed my horrified expression.

“Nicole!” she said excitedly.

I perked up immediately. Here was my chance. I was going to have friends!

“You have to lick that spoon clean if you want to sit with us.” She said.

I gaped at her.

“You’re kidding.” I replied. There was no way I was going to eat that garbage.

“No, I’m totally serious. We all did it. Right?” she asked her suddenly bemused friends.

Numerous nods of agreement, along with poorly disguised snickers followed.

“Tell you what Nicole, I’ll take a lick with you” offered Diane.

“No, Diane, you already did this” said Zoe.

I could feel my face growing hot. Warm tears of confusion were welling up in my eyes.

“I’ll take a lick, but I won’t eat all of it” I offered meekly.

Looking back, I can’t believe I gave up even that much of my dignity.

“No, you have to eat all of it” Zoe replied harshly.

I was completely torn. I had absolutely no one on my side. And then I remembered that one of my oldest friends was sitting at the table with me. I glanced up at her with pleading eyes.

“Jamie,” I whispered.

Jamie laughed nervously and said “Come on guys, she doesn’t have to do this.”

But Zoe was insistent. So before I could embarrass myself by crying in front of all of them, I mustered up as much strength as I could, said “then I don’t want to sit here,” got up, and walked away.

Of course, as soon as I was out of their sight I burst into tears. I had wanted to sit there more than anything. I wanted to be the girl who always had someone telling her to come be with them. Who always had someone grabbing at her hand. Who always felt loved, because she truly was always loved. But I wasn’t. I never would be. Those girls were not my friends. They never would be.

I suppose sometimes things to work themselves out in the end. Sometime punishment is delivered when deserved. And I suppose I should have just learned to enjoy the company of people who enjoyed my company.

That was easier said than done. I spent the rest of the weekend trying to pretend that the chili incident hadn’t happened. I tried to be friends with them. I hugged them all goodbye and told them I’d miss them. I posted on all of their Facebook walls how great a weekend I’d had with them. Outside of our room, I neglected my roommates. I was a monster. This self-inflicted isolation lasted until the middle of sophomore year. It was only then that I realized enough was enough. There were plenty of people who did want to be my friend. And now, that is where I stand. I have friends. They may not be the most popular, but they are real friends.

I still feel awful for being so shallow. And now that I’m friends with Holly again, I wonder if she secretly holds my idiocy against me. If so, I can’t say I don’t deserve it.

My first Mid-Winter Kallah was brought to three realizations. Firstly, you can’t always pick your friends. Friendship is something that just happens. Secondly, real friends are the people that care about you. Those girls who made you feel small aren’t worth anything. And thirdly, I am capable of being a mean girl. And for that I am very sorry.

Jamie’s Voice

I knew something like this would happen. I’d known Nicole long enough to know that she didn’t always fit in, and I’d known Zoe, Carolyn, Diane, Rachel, and everyone else long enough to know that they didn’t always take to new people easily. In order for them to learn to love someone new, that person needed to be forced upon them by a friend. It had to be an inside job. Which meant that I was Nicole’s ticket in. Or the repellent that kept her away.

It’s not that I no longer wanted to be friends with Nicole. It’s just that I didn’t think she would fit in well with my friends. She didn’t fit in when we were in middle school, and I was not about to risk my reputation in USY so she could have her fifteen minutes of fame. They would eat her alive, regardless of whether or not she survived the first night. So I decided to play the innocent bystander. I refused to make or break Nicole.

When I first got to Kallah, I was ridiculously excited. I hadn’t seen some of these people since Encampment, and they were some of my closest friends.

“Zoe!” I called excitedly.

“Jamie!” she called back.

We ran and hugged and before I knew it, it was as if we’d never been apart. I was swarmed into an entire group of friends, all of which came with a hug or an “I missed you so much!” I was ecstatic.

I had promised Rebecca and Shaina, two of my other friends, I’d introduce them to everyone. Yes, I was giving them the introduction Nicole desired, but would not receive but that’s just because I have to see Rebecca in school everyday. Or at least that’s what I told myself. And wherever Rebecca went, Shaina went. It had nothing to do with Nicole. Nothing at all.

We all sat down to dinner, and Nicole came over to sit. She hugged me hello and I hugged her back. It really was good to see her.

“Can I sit here?” she asked. She sounded…timid, which was something I’d never heard from her before.

“Sure” I replied. I quickly introduced her to everyone before turning back to Claudia, to resume our conversation. I was more than acutely aware of the fact that Nicole just sat there, far from her usual talkative self. In fact, she was completely silent. And that’s when Zoe broke the ice.

“Nicole, you can only eat with us if you eat that entire spoonful of food” she commanded.

I quickly looked to see what she was talking about. Zoe was pointing to a bowl filled with some sort of brown food, with a giant wooden serving spoon. Nicole paled upon hearing the words from Zoe’s mouth.

“You’re kidding” she said.

“We all did” Zoe replied sternly. “Now you have to do it too”.

Nicole began to fumble her words. I didn’t know what she said until I heard my name. I knew she wanted me to fix this. Not only did I not know how, but I just couldn’t bring myself to help her. I could not have Zoe be mad at me for ruining her little prank.

“Aw guys, she doesn’t have to do this” I said.

There; I was fair and nonchalant. Zoe thought differently.

“We all did it, now she as to too”.

I wished she would stop saying that. Only a fool would believe we had all been forced into this ritual.

Nicole rose and said, “Then I guess I don’t want to sit here”. For an instant, her four foot eleven inches seemed to become six feet. Yet I know that she left the table in shame.

“Zoe, why would you do that?” I asked. Zoe laughed.

“Chill, it was just a joke. I didn’t think she’d take it so seriously.” she said.

“I know, but I feel bad for her” I responded.

I felt a strange sort of embarrassment to be such good friends with Zoe. She was an amazing person…to me at least. But this wasn’t the first time I’d seen her put someone down.

“Whatever, it’s over now” she said.

And she was right.

I’m not proud of what I did. But I don’t think I would change it if I could do it over again. Nicole wouldn’t have fit in, no matter how much I helped her. And she seems happy with her friends now. She still comes to USY events, so she must have forgotten. Right?