But more importantly, tonight I opened the blog site to read the posts of fellow STACies and opened a tab to make a post of my own. I could barely do it. The whole time a little voice was screaming in the back of my head, chanting "people will laugh at this, it wont be good enough, read the comments Luke leaves on other peoples' blogs, etc, etc." This reflects feelings I've felt pretty much all of my life. Inadequacy and jealousy. My old friends.
I'm such a jealous person and I hate it. But for once, why can't I be the pretty, talented, smart one?
Just once.
Why do I continually open myself up in these posts? I feel like i'm humiliating myself and annoying everyone but I can't stop. I need to let some of this shit out.
You are letting some of the shit out! How wonderful!
ReplyDeleteNow, that little fucking voice in your head...
You know, if that voice was an actual person who walked around and had legs and stuff, and they said that sort of stuff to you, you wouldn't hang around that person, would you? You'd tell them off or have Nick and Jack beat them up, but you wouldn't stand for it. What a fucking jerk that person is, right?
Now, the problem is that person is in your own body and they come with you everywhere and spill their shit and poison right into you. And you gotta treat that voice as what it is - it is your inner jerk. And they won't shut up, so you have to just hear it, and then decide not to believe it. You have to decide not to believe it. Or think, well, ok, but I am doing it anyway. Fuck you.
Because we all have an inner jerk, and our inner jerk knows jack shit.
Luke
well said, everyone has (or should have) an "inner jerk" as Luke said. But its up to us if we decide to listen to it and hold us back, or ignore and move on.
ReplyDeleteI'm scared and I fear being completely honest and judged. I just posted a blog and I was judged, and i held back all that I was going to let out. I felt letting it out in a blog was easier. So let it all out, beucause if there's anything I learned in STAC this year, it's that we're always there for eachother.
ReplyDeleteI don't think anyone here is going to judge you. Maybe in an art sense, but we won't judge the person you are. You just have to do what you think is right and write what you want to. Who cares what other people think! It's your writing!
ReplyDelete