Edited version of what I learned in STAC

Okay so I really did mean what I said about the honesty and open-ness, but I'm still learning. So here's a slightly chopped up version of the paper I handed in today:

I am not the same person I was last year in many, many ways. Let’s face it, last year my brain wasn’t functioning very well, and I didn't do as much work as I'd have liked to do. I never finished anything and I didn’t care. Though I tried to hide it, I was depressed. Many people say that depression is good for artwork, but, as I’ve discussed with Molly in the past, that is far from the case. When you’re depressed, you’re too tired to do anything. All I thought about last year was what I'm going through, and while it is still very prevalent in both my life and my art this year, it exists in a different way. I think a lot of expression I learned in STAC truly has helped me begin to heal.
This quarter has really taught me a lot about the necessity of art in an artist’s life. In fact, this is what I discussed on my recent interview with Muhlenberg College. Early on in the year, we discussed Rilke’s thoughts about art in Letters to a Young Poet and during that time, I hadn’t fully subscribed to that idea. After all, if this was
the case, how could you explain commissions other than accusing anyone who plans to make a living a sell-out? However, as time went on, more occurrences of art really hitting me seemed to come along, and I began
to felt he necessity more. A few weeks ago Molly posted a blog about a traumatic experience a few days after I had discussed my trauma with her. Reading her blog, I was so shocked by her honesty, and at the same time so jealous (something Rilke also discussed in his letters) that she could express herself that way. And thus I wrote my poem (the blog entry on October 7th. Afterwards I was shaking and crying and I remember having to write something else for STAC but not wanting to.
Similarly, I wrote a short piece inspired both by our discussion on helping homeless people and some of my actions last year. Thus came the short poem/story. I am learning to love this rush. It makes me feel like I have created something worthwhile. I think that is what I’ve learned most this quarter, that I can create. Even in STAC art, I liked my piece because it felt like something I created; it had a message from somewhere within me.
I also felt a dizzy rush when I read “Child in Red” by Rilke (a quote from which-”She seems to move according to the rhythm of her life to come” I used for my senior quote.) Never before had a poem expressed something I was feeling so much. At that particular point, I had been pretty optimistic, and I thought of that poem as growing and knowing that growth was okay. I was literally shaking.

I’m also learning to trust. I’ve posted things on my blog that in the past I would never have dreamed to let people see. I wrote about my problems (though vaguely), my trauma, and what is actually going on in my life. And while afterwards I often thought “O no, the newbies are going to think I’m insane/everyone will think I’m obsessed with sympathy” (that is one of my greatest fears) I have not let that stop me from posting. I have trusted STAC to be a community of artists who will appreciate me. Hopefully one day my art will be appreciated outside of a small artist community, but at the moment, this is what I’m ready for and this is what I’m doing.
The acting exercises have changed the way I see people. When you first said “picture someone you’re afraid of” I actually thought of a few people in STAC who have a lot of talent and whom I am jealous of. But as I do the exercises more and more, I find myself less and less afraid of them. I mean, why should I be? There are so many worse people in the world. And I realized I couldn’t be afraid of them when my projections weren’t working.

I was about to write “I’m sorry for not writing about art just about myself” but you said to write about how STAC has affected me, so that is what I did. And this is art. This writing is art because it is being creative and honest and therapeutic. So I won’t let myself apologize. I will try not to fear that this will result in a failing grade. I will try and let go.