Jim Bonney 4/28

This workshop was geared less towards finding your emotions and geared more towards applying them to acting. In the beginning of the workshop, Jim asked what we felt the energy of the room was. For once, I felt that the energy was safe, which felt crazy for me. I had a lot on my mind that day, so I was nervous to let it all go. Naturally (for me anyways) I couldn't let it all go, but I was able to use it. Screaming "NO" was the most powerful it's ever been for me. I was screaming at my thoughts to go away, and at last I was able to at least change the thoughts to something more productive.

We worked in pairs twice during the workshop. This first time I was paired with Matt which was really interesting for me because Matt's not someone I know very well. While working with him, I kind of felt like I was the more powerful one in the group (not in an "I'm so superior" kind of way-I'm not,) more like "I'm older and I'm more okay with making a complete fool of myself here" kind of way. It was really cool. I worked with Nina on the scene which I really liked. The scene was vague but I managed to come up with a whole story behind it. At first I said "I don't know if I should share my stupid idea" and I was reminded not to judge my ideas (and it ended up working.) I liked the amount of improvisation, and how real I was feeling. Instead of thinking "what should I be feeling here" I went with what I felt naturally.

Rob Goldman Workshop (4/27/10)

Firstly, I'd like to say how awesome a person Rob Goldman is. He's funny, nice, intelligent, artistic, and overall amazing.

Secondly, I've been into Postsecret for a really long time now, but never really got to contribute anything (my mom is completely anti-Postsecret. Shocking, right?) so I was very excited to be making a secret, even if I don't end up sending anything in.

I knew what we were doing as we walked down to the community center, so I started to think of a secret there. At first I thought I didn't have any secrets that no one knows. Eventually I thought of something, though by the time I got to the community center said secret had morphed. I was really excited to be working with a secret unrelated to my disorder. It was a nice change.

I was having trouble whether or not to choose secret a or secret b which was much darker. I forced myself to choose a for a change.

Shooting was really fun. I was partnered with Juliana, and she's one of my really good friends so I was comfortable around her. Even when we were shooting and the secret was serious, we laughed in between shots.

My favorite thing about the workshop is what I discovered about myself. Thinking about my secret in front of the white paper revealed things to me about why I feel that way and what other things I feel.

I'm really excited to see how the pictures came out.

I don't even know what to write.

So, Jim workshop today. I honestly can't think of words to express it. It was so emotional. I really can't think of much else. I feel like I haven't fully processed the experience yet, but a few key events stick out in my mind.

-We all formed into a circle to create a bond of energy. I felt really left out even though I was within the circle. However, at one point I felt really connected to someone that I've never felt extraordinarily connected to in real life. I was between Kalli and Alex and there were points where I could feel a lot of energy coming from Alex and it felt as if Kalli completely disappeared. I was very aware of all of Alex's energy.

-After this initial huddle, Jim asked who felt they needed another zap of energy. I reluctantly said I did. He told me to go into the middle of the circle and almost instantly I started crying. I'm not quite sure why, but I'm guessing it was a mix of not feeling like I deserved the attention, fear of vulnerability, and confusion about what the energy around me was about. He asked everyone to put their hands on my shoulders and send me some positive energy. I literally can't remember what he said after that. I was crying too much. I was so sad because even though I was in the middle of a circle of people who supposedly cared about me, I couldn't feel any energy. Instead, I felt like I had an armor around me that was constantly scanning for sarcasm. It felt like a metal detector that was made of metal, completely dysfunctional and counter productive. No matter what went through it, it was going to find sarcasm. Eventually I started feeling positive vibes from Megan, and when I opened my eyes Jim asked me if the looks on the faces of people around me looked like they wanted to help me. I still felt guarded so I think I said "I don't know." I think I finally 90% believed they did want to help which had me crying all over again. In the same instant, I wanted to never move and also run very far away.

-We read the lyrics to "Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls. I could feel myself tearing up at "And I don't want the world to see me/Cause I don't think that they'd understand/When everything's made to be broken/" for so long it has seemed that everything in this world is made to be broken, and I still feel no one understands. I was brought back to when we talked about masks at the previous workshop, and how I felt Jim read my mask wrong, but I didn't even know what my mask was. "And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming" was really strange too, because I felt myself crying but no tears were coming out, and I felt like a fake. "You bleed just to know you're alive" hit me hard as well." That hardest part about the song was when we were repeating it back and forth to one another. We were repeating "and I don't want to miss you tonight" which was sad in itself, but I had my back to Megan and Nina and I could hear Megan bawling. It was so hard to listen to her cry and not be able to go over and help her. It physically hurt me.

-At the end we were all looking at each other in the circle, and Megan, Nina, and Jill were crying. I was crying too, but no tears were coming out. The thing that made me sob was staring at Jill who was across the circle from me. I couldn't help but thinking how she's so beautiful and well liked, and yet she too was crying. I thought back to myself in the past, and how I was convinced if I was beautiful all my problems would be solved, and staring at someone who is beautiful crying reminded me that this wasn't the case.

My last quarter in STAC project

O what a bittersweet symphony... I'm so funny.

For my big project, I want to create an installation. Last year, I started a blog called ConfrontHer2008 (www.xanga.com/confronther2008) where I asked people “what would you say to the person who hurt you most in the world?” I got over 200 anonymous responses. Since this is my last year in STAC, I really want to take full advantage of the opportunities I have here. Thus I want to create an instillation (when else am I going to have this opportunity?) However, at the moment I’m questioning whether or not I want to continue with the same question or start a new one. On sunday I visited Binghamton and wound up talking to my friend Tom about my project. His response was “I don’t agree with that. I don’t think it’s healthy.” He thinks holding on to anger from the past is useless. On one hand, I agree, but on the other hand I think about closure. I never really had closure, so in theory that’s what the installation should do. However, in practice, it’s less about closure and more about making other feel the way I felt. A big (slightly morbid) part of me wants to make my viewers cry. But at the same time, I’m considering making it into a positive piece, because I am different then I was when I started the blog. I’m considering sending out a new blog and asking “what do you like the most about yourself?” This would likely move me to tears.

Keeping all of this in mind, my goals for the week are:

-Figure out what I’m going to ask

-Do some research on other installation artists. Right now I have a very specific idea of what I want in the installation, but researching people who actually know what they’re doing can only help me, not hurt me.

It started with a t-shirt (Jim Bonney day 2)

This workshop started out decently, turned awful, then got better. The meditation-like exercise was helpful and I was able to focus for the most part. It reminded me a lot of something I'd been advised to do in therapy. It was advised to keep a baby/young picture of yourself in your wallet so that when you want to hurt yourself in any way, you can look at that picture and think "would I harm this child?" It works sometimes.

In the beginning of the screaming I experienced a weird sensation. I could feel my body getting into it but my brain pulling me back to reality (in a bad way.) I'd like to get around that.

Then the bad. I was wearing a shirt that I got at a thrift store. It's a size XL and I wear it as a dress. However, it was impossible to fully engage my body for fear of accidentally exposing myself. So the simple solution would be to tie my shirt tight with a hairband. Tried it, got self conscious. Tried it again. Could not bring myself to walk around in something that tight/short. I was positive everyone was looking at me thinking "well she really did a 180 from last year. Maybe too much so" if you get what I mean. I understand logically no one was looking at me they were focusing on themselves. At this point I felt I might cry so I ran to the nearest chair. I was reminded of my first day of a summer program I did in 2008. This was the first day I realized I had a problem. I was supposed to be doing an acting exercise but all I could focus on was my body. It was the same way today, which scared the crap out of me.

Eventually I rejoined the group, at which point we did a group breathing huddle thing. Everyone had their eyes closed but I couldn't bring myself to partake. I just kept looking around wanting the workshop to be over. Then we listened to this song which thoroughly freaked me out in it's relevance to me. I got even more freaked out when Jim was asking us each about portions of lyrics and the portion he asked me about was "the mirror is not your best friend in the world." I actually started laughing out of nerves. I hate myself for doing that because it seems like I'm proud of my issues but in my head everyone already knows and I'm graduating in months so fuck it. But I know it bothers other people and then I feel like everyone hates me.

We practiced saying irrelevant text with varying emotions, and that I really got into. I felt connected to Doug, whom I was paired up with, and I felt able to project emotions onto him. It probably helped that I was paired with Doug as apposed to Megan or Nina or someone I'm much closer with because it allowed me to pull all things I was saying away from the context of real life.

The last thing we did was discuss our masks, our lower selves, and our higher selves. Not so shockingly, this made me hate myself for my openness again because I know people are sick of it and I felt like crap the second I spoke. My mask was "I'm in trouble" (Jim suggested that one, but I don't really get it) my lower self was "I don't like myself" and my higher self was "I've gotten better and I'll keep getting better." The main thing that bothered me was my mask, partially because I didn't really get it, and partially because the mask I have in the workshop is not an accurate representation of the mask I wear to school. I think my mask for school would be more like "I'm holding it together." By school I mean outside of STAC (which is real school but I'm much more open during STAC.)

Whenever someone said something negative, I assumed it was about me. Which is selfish and stupid but that's me. Especially when Becky said "I hate you" I was assuming it was about me. Which doesn't make sense, I'm not that important.

Overall, I was less cynical than last time, but more insecure...if that makes any sense?

Tape Recorders

Earlier I found myself wishing for something I invented in my head as a child but kind of forgot I made up. I wish there was a mind reading device that was hooked up to your brain and typed up all of your thoughts. When I was younger I got the idea that my life would make a great book (I have no idea why I thought this) so I used to narrate everything I did in my head as if it were becoming a novel. And I used to wish for this tape recorder to put everything down as I thought it. This habit of narrating my life in my head like a story book has not gone away, and it often frustrates me to no end. But I still wish for that tape recorder thing. Then all the clouded thoughts might be worth it.

Jim Bonney and Cynicism

So I'm finally getting to do the Jim Bonney workshop. I'm really excited because from what I hear it's something everyone in STAC should do at least once and I haven't done yet. That being said, the workshop made me really really really angry at myself. Furious in fact. Which sucks on so many levels, especially because when I expressed "anger at myself" as an emotion in class I was told that it's a useless emotion. I know it is, but I've lived with it for so long I don't know what life would be like without it. I'm angry at myself for being so cynical. When Jim said that he wants to get us out of our heads, I thought "many have tried and many have failed." I might have said it out loud (which was very rude and I feel awful though I actually don't know if I said it out loud.) I was still narrating in my head and thinking other place and trying to connect the exercise and over all not being present in the moment. I liked screaming and got really into it at points but whenever I started to get into it I became aware that I was into it and had to start all over.

I was very self conscious during the workshop as well. Obviously I'm always self conscious but in a different way this time. I was more nervous to how Jim was judging me than the rest of the class was. I'm not very hard to read and actors tend to be very good at reading people, which sometimes freaks me out. So I think I unconsciously made the decision to be upfront about my insecurities but to be sarcastic and almost obnoxious about it as a tough girl front. That way I could control what was read about me. But I don't want to come off as a bitch who's proud of her issues. I want to be who I am without my insecurities.

Tomorrow I'll try to better clear my mind and be more of myself.

Let's see how far we've come

I've been focusing a lot on change. I have issues with change, it's hard for me to let go. Additionally, I'm graduating in a little over 2 months. So I've been thinking about how much people change physically between freshman and senior year. So because I have an intense pre-disposition to procrastination and facebook creeping, I created these of all STAC seniors (minus Lizy, she doesn't have a facebook but I'll try and do one of her soon.)

A tribute to the seniors in STAC

Manda Jean

My friend Nicole posted photos of herself on facebook done by her friend who is a photographer. In the caption, she suggested we visit her friend's website. This was one of the pictures of my friend:

shocking that they appealed to me, right.

Anyways I decided to visit her friend's site, http://mandajeanphoto.com/Manda/Home.html and discovered she's done some pretty cool stuff. I especially liked things out of her conceptual section and children section

this one was my favorite

I also really like how poetic her artist statements are (some are original some are quotes from other writers)

Just Life Imploding. No Big.

Sorry in advance for the ranting-ness of this post. I should look at the good side of what's going right in my life but right now I can't see much of that SO;

-COLLEGE! The good news-I got accepted to 9 schools. The bad news-I got accepted to 9 schools thus have to make a decision! I've eliminated 3 maybe 4. But there's the problem of (story of my life) what my parents want vs. what I want. Then you throw in money. What we can and can't afford. I get it, private schools are too expensive for the most part. What I don't understand is how most of this financial aid crap works and for whatever reason my parents wont explain it to me (probably because I'm curious about Ithaca which I really like but my parents don't want me that far away.) It's gotten to the point where I had to steal a copy of the financial aid report because they wouldn't tell me! Then comes the Jewish population. I need to go to a school with a decent Jewish population and hillel so I can meet a nice Jewish boy and make nice Jewish babies. For once, I agree with my parents on something religion-based (apocalypse?) I understand I can't marry a non-jew. Right now I don't have much of an opinion on it but their reasoning on that one makes sense to me. That and the fact that I'd like to NOT be disowned...so Jewish population limits me further. Then you get into programs and what I want. I don't know shit about Binghamton. I applied because "you're a Jewish kid from Long Island, you apply to Binghamton" has been drilled in my head since middle school. And I got in (btdubsss; admissions officers at Bing and Macaulay are on crack for accepting me, just saying.) Andy my parents are like YAYAYAYAY. I don't know anything bout it. I get it, I'll learn when I visit, but it sucks not knowing now. Then we have my parents' and therapists' faith in letting me go more than 2 hours away...no comment other than I've been doing well since I got home...Last but not least you have the college experience. Do I go to a school with great programs but no social life and is mostly a commuter school? Or do I go to a school with potentially less opportunities and a college scene? And no, I don't just mean parties, I mean the whole package. But my dad made me feel like crap and that I have to choose between programs and opportunities and fun and I know there has to be a way to have both. Plus if I choose fun he'll think "you stupid party girl caring more about that than her future" but I genuinely believe I'll do better academically if I'm in an environment that suits me. Plus, my middle school experience was fucked up. My high school experience was better, but still fucked up (thanks to the disappearing acts I pulled during junior and senior year.) I think I fucking DESERVE the college experience that I want.

/issue

-PROCRASTINATION- I've done NO work this vacation and I'm going to fail AP Lit and STAC. Greeeeat. I legitimately CAN'T stop procrastinating no matter how hard I try, I just CAN'T. And I HATE myself for it.

/issue

-DAILY PRACTICE- Well considering the last sentence of the last issue contains the words "I hate myself" it's a bit hard to write nice shit about myself now isn't it. When this whole stupid vacation has fucked me over so badly to the point where I just want to get under the goddam blankets and cry, I can't find positive qualities in myself, SORRY.

/issue

/rant