I don't even know what to write.

So, Jim workshop today. I honestly can't think of words to express it. It was so emotional. I really can't think of much else. I feel like I haven't fully processed the experience yet, but a few key events stick out in my mind.

-We all formed into a circle to create a bond of energy. I felt really left out even though I was within the circle. However, at one point I felt really connected to someone that I've never felt extraordinarily connected to in real life. I was between Kalli and Alex and there were points where I could feel a lot of energy coming from Alex and it felt as if Kalli completely disappeared. I was very aware of all of Alex's energy.

-After this initial huddle, Jim asked who felt they needed another zap of energy. I reluctantly said I did. He told me to go into the middle of the circle and almost instantly I started crying. I'm not quite sure why, but I'm guessing it was a mix of not feeling like I deserved the attention, fear of vulnerability, and confusion about what the energy around me was about. He asked everyone to put their hands on my shoulders and send me some positive energy. I literally can't remember what he said after that. I was crying too much. I was so sad because even though I was in the middle of a circle of people who supposedly cared about me, I couldn't feel any energy. Instead, I felt like I had an armor around me that was constantly scanning for sarcasm. It felt like a metal detector that was made of metal, completely dysfunctional and counter productive. No matter what went through it, it was going to find sarcasm. Eventually I started feeling positive vibes from Megan, and when I opened my eyes Jim asked me if the looks on the faces of people around me looked like they wanted to help me. I still felt guarded so I think I said "I don't know." I think I finally 90% believed they did want to help which had me crying all over again. In the same instant, I wanted to never move and also run very far away.

-We read the lyrics to "Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls. I could feel myself tearing up at "And I don't want the world to see me/Cause I don't think that they'd understand/When everything's made to be broken/" for so long it has seemed that everything in this world is made to be broken, and I still feel no one understands. I was brought back to when we talked about masks at the previous workshop, and how I felt Jim read my mask wrong, but I didn't even know what my mask was. "And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming" was really strange too, because I felt myself crying but no tears were coming out, and I felt like a fake. "You bleed just to know you're alive" hit me hard as well." That hardest part about the song was when we were repeating it back and forth to one another. We were repeating "and I don't want to miss you tonight" which was sad in itself, but I had my back to Megan and Nina and I could hear Megan bawling. It was so hard to listen to her cry and not be able to go over and help her. It physically hurt me.

-At the end we were all looking at each other in the circle, and Megan, Nina, and Jill were crying. I was crying too, but no tears were coming out. The thing that made me sob was staring at Jill who was across the circle from me. I couldn't help but thinking how she's so beautiful and well liked, and yet she too was crying. I thought back to myself in the past, and how I was convinced if I was beautiful all my problems would be solved, and staring at someone who is beautiful crying reminded me that this wasn't the case.