So I'm finally getting to do the Jim Bonney workshop. I'm really excited because from what I hear it's something everyone in STAC should do at least once and I haven't done yet. That being said, the workshop made me really really really angry at myself. Furious in fact. Which sucks on so many levels, especially because when I expressed "anger at myself" as an emotion in class I was told that it's a useless emotion. I know it is, but I've lived with it for so long I don't know what life would be like without it. I'm angry at myself for being so cynical. When Jim said that he wants to get us out of our heads, I thought "many have tried and many have failed." I might have said it out loud (which was very rude and I feel awful though I actually don't know if I said it out loud.) I was still narrating in my head and thinking other place and trying to connect the exercise and over all not being present in the moment. I liked screaming and got really into it at points but whenever I started to get into it I became aware that I was into it and had to start all over.
I was very self conscious during the workshop as well. Obviously I'm always self conscious but in a different way this time. I was more nervous to how Jim was judging me than the rest of the class was. I'm not very hard to read and actors tend to be very good at reading people, which sometimes freaks me out. So I think I unconsciously made the decision to be upfront about my insecurities but to be sarcastic and almost obnoxious about it as a tough girl front. That way I could control what was read about me. But I don't want to come off as a bitch who's proud of her issues. I want to be who I am without my insecurities.
Tomorrow I'll try to better clear my mind and be more of myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment