Just Life Imploding. No Big.

Sorry in advance for the ranting-ness of this post. I should look at the good side of what's going right in my life but right now I can't see much of that SO;

-COLLEGE! The good news-I got accepted to 9 schools. The bad news-I got accepted to 9 schools thus have to make a decision! I've eliminated 3 maybe 4. But there's the problem of (story of my life) what my parents want vs. what I want. Then you throw in money. What we can and can't afford. I get it, private schools are too expensive for the most part. What I don't understand is how most of this financial aid crap works and for whatever reason my parents wont explain it to me (probably because I'm curious about Ithaca which I really like but my parents don't want me that far away.) It's gotten to the point where I had to steal a copy of the financial aid report because they wouldn't tell me! Then comes the Jewish population. I need to go to a school with a decent Jewish population and hillel so I can meet a nice Jewish boy and make nice Jewish babies. For once, I agree with my parents on something religion-based (apocalypse?) I understand I can't marry a non-jew. Right now I don't have much of an opinion on it but their reasoning on that one makes sense to me. That and the fact that I'd like to NOT be disowned...so Jewish population limits me further. Then you get into programs and what I want. I don't know shit about Binghamton. I applied because "you're a Jewish kid from Long Island, you apply to Binghamton" has been drilled in my head since middle school. And I got in (btdubsss; admissions officers at Bing and Macaulay are on crack for accepting me, just saying.) Andy my parents are like YAYAYAYAY. I don't know anything bout it. I get it, I'll learn when I visit, but it sucks not knowing now. Then we have my parents' and therapists' faith in letting me go more than 2 hours away...no comment other than I've been doing well since I got home...Last but not least you have the college experience. Do I go to a school with great programs but no social life and is mostly a commuter school? Or do I go to a school with potentially less opportunities and a college scene? And no, I don't just mean parties, I mean the whole package. But my dad made me feel like crap and that I have to choose between programs and opportunities and fun and I know there has to be a way to have both. Plus if I choose fun he'll think "you stupid party girl caring more about that than her future" but I genuinely believe I'll do better academically if I'm in an environment that suits me. Plus, my middle school experience was fucked up. My high school experience was better, but still fucked up (thanks to the disappearing acts I pulled during junior and senior year.) I think I fucking DESERVE the college experience that I want.

/issue

-PROCRASTINATION- I've done NO work this vacation and I'm going to fail AP Lit and STAC. Greeeeat. I legitimately CAN'T stop procrastinating no matter how hard I try, I just CAN'T. And I HATE myself for it.

/issue

-DAILY PRACTICE- Well considering the last sentence of the last issue contains the words "I hate myself" it's a bit hard to write nice shit about myself now isn't it. When this whole stupid vacation has fucked me over so badly to the point where I just want to get under the goddam blankets and cry, I can't find positive qualities in myself, SORRY.

/issue

/rant